It’s not enough in this day and age to just do one thing. You have to add slashes to your title.
I’m a mom.
Well, do you grow your own vegetables? Do you sew all your kids’ clothes? Have you found a way to improve the Dewey Decimal System?
When I’m tending bar at my part time night job, people ask me all the time, “Sooooo, what do you do?” I want to reply, “I’m a neurosurgeon, asshole. What does it LOOK like I do?” But I just kind of pretend I don’t hear them. It’s a loud bar.
Sometimes, when people ask what I “do”, I want to tell them that I am a nanny. That implies that, yes I am a slave to a little nosepicker all day BUT I went through some sort of hiring process, backgrounds were checked AND I’m receiving a paycheck. Maybe, just maybe that would make my position in life a bit more respectable to these people. Maybe I wouldn’t get so many of the head tilted to the side puppy dog eyes frowny face nods, like these people feel sorry for me. Like I just told them my neighbor backed over my Dachshund this morning and didn’t even apologize. He didn’t even offer to buy me a new Dachshund! I mean, no one could replace Mr. Crispy, but it’s the principle.
This is all Jennifer Lopez’s fault. I blame Jennifer Lopez. She was the o.g. slash-hag. It wasn’t enough that she was a Flygirl. She wanted to be an actress. And when that wasn’t enough, she wanted to sing shitty songs. And when that wasn’t enough, she designed clothes and created signature fragrances and had a high profile and somewhat controversial love life. All while making everyone want a big ass. But not just an I-had-too-many-oreos ass. It’s a maybe-I-had-a-few-oreos-but-then-I-merengued-the-shit-out-of-those-oreos ass. Then she went and had twins. All this talk is making me feel like I should stop typing and go to Zumba. And create my own perfume. It would be called Eau de Housewife. It would smell like chicken nuggets. And tears.
So now it’s not okay that I just want to be a mom. Maybe I didn’t craft all of my daughter’s toys out of papier mâché BUT her oatmeal was a perfect consistency this morning and I got her to kind of apologize when she kicked me in the nose. And btw there’s no way to improve the Dewey Decimal System. It’s perfect. Believe me, I’ve tried.