To be a writer in Hollywood must be the easiest freaking job in the world. You wake up and splash a little Early Times on your face to mask the smell of cocaine and vomit, flip through your girlfriend’s kid’s copy of Grimm’s Fairy Tales, point to one and pitch it to your boss. Boom. Now all that’s left to do is to “reimagine” this story, which means adding gratuitous, big-budgety-type violence and maybe figuring out a way to sneak in some booby shots. Done. Blockbuster. Now go get your casting director to ask K-Stew to mope around the set for a few months, maybe taking a break or two to bang the director. It’s all coming together now.
“Reimagine” is a buzz word around Hollywood these days. I loathe the term buzz word, but it works here. What does reimagining mean to me? It means that these people are out of original ideas. I can’t really pinpoint the exact time that it happened, but sometime around the first Matrix action screenwriters everywhere threw up their arms and said, “That’s it, we’re screwed. Call Bruce Willis and see if he’s down for a twelfth Die Hard.”
What these people understand, the Hollywood people I mean, is that as long as there is an explosion or two, a car and/or helicopter chase, a short skirt and some semblance of a storyline, people will be lining up to watch the movie. We will shell out $40 to sit in a sticky theater with a big, soft pretzel to watch Jason Statham calmly walk away from yet another fiery crash with AC/DC screaming in the background. And we’re invested because he’s avenging his wife’s neighbor’s mother’s friend’s dog walker’s cousin’s untimely death. I wonder how it’s going to end.
OR if you are really in the mood to make a movie but just don’t have any of that there “creativity” it takes to dream up your own story line, well why not just look through your VHS collection and REMAKE one. Just pick a movie and do it again. Maybe change some lines around, maybe add a scene or two. More fire. More cleavage. Son of a bitch. I can’t even get away with wearing the same outfit twice in one month, but these bastards can make millions just copying a movie that was made a few years ago? Andy Garcia is going to be pissed that he’s been washing windows all this time after learning this little tidbit.
Oh, and one more reason why I hate the movie industry these days: Fast and Furious 6. Take the cotton balls out of your mouth, Vin Diesel. Take the cotton balls out of your mouth before speaking.