TV is for winners

Hello, gentle reader. You may or may not have noticed that I took a late summer/early fall hiatus or sabbatical or what have you. In that time I was able to enjoy some QT with family, general R&R as well as some good old fashioned CBD (crippling bouts of depression). But now I’m back and ready to produce more drivel to help fill in the blanks of your day; between your required reading for book club and your daily surfing for porn. Find some time for me in there. Because I’m back – until increased activity in my amygdala compels me to take a six hour nap and give up on things I love. Bon appétit!

When people are excited to tell me that they do NOT watch television AT ALL, it makes me excited to roundhouse them in their temple. Generally, these are people whom I do not really want to have a conversation with, but I do because I feel as though it is my responsibility as a citizen. So the exchange goes a little something like this:

Me: Hi, how are you?

Jackass: Oh, you know. I’m upset/sad/witless because of work/school/pets/hemorrhoids and I feel like I should complain to random acquaintances about it. Possibly for pity or attention or both. Both would be the best scenario.

M: Wow, that’s too bad. This weather is a little loopy lately, eh?

J: Yeah, it’s really irritating my trick knee/tuberculosis/ hemorrhoids.

[Now, at this point, I’m looking for any topic in the free world that will not remind this person about his or her hemorrhoids. Anything at all will do. Television! That’s something most people in civilized society have in common.]

M: Dude, did you see the premiere of the “The Walking Dead”?

Choices B & C: eye fucking the camera

Choices B & C: eye fucking the camera

J: OH NO, I DON’T watch television.

This is it. This is the time that I give up and walk away. Mostly because it is not acceptable this day and age to Jet Li someone in the face unless they’re coming at you with a weapon or trying to stomp on your Yorkie. Also, because this person is either even more boring than I imagined OR a liar.

I could ask what he or she prefers to do instead of watching the evil, brain-rotting moving pictures on the small screen. But I’m sure I know what the answer is: reading. I’m not knocking it. I love reading! But spending all of one’s free time curled up on the couch, reading a non-fiction selection from the local library and sipping on a steaming mug of whatever? It sounds like it sucks. A lot. Abraham Lincoln called and wants his pastime back. Our founding fathers didn’t bust their asses to create modern marvels like electricity and Xfinity and True Blood so that pompous assholes like you could read by candlelight.

Now I have to go take some Imitrex and Benzodiazepine and sit in the dark with an ice pack on my skull for a while. My eye sockets hurt from watching too much television.


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