5 reasons I’m a shit mom

December 2013 marks the fourth year in which Facebook and the holiday season triumphantly unite like heralds of the apocalypse; wreaking cinnamon and marshmallow bespattered havoc hither and thither and pretty much making me feel like the worst mom in Mom History. Maybe I’m being a bit too dramatic, but if there’s one thing that the internets loves, it’s the drama. I try, good lord do I try to Laura Van Dyke the crap out of this magical season; but despite my efforts, I tend to Brett Butler-ize the whole deal. Not all of the following reasons why I’m awful are Christmas related, I’m pretty much using this forum like a support group. The holidays are such an emotional time. And I have ADD. Squirrel.

1) Four words: Elf on a Shelf. Three more words: oh, hell no. $30 for this tiny demon to scare the bejesus out of my child and me? I don’t need anyone’s judgmental eyes leering at me, silently asking why I cracked that third beer. On a Wednesday. And I certainly don’t need that thing coming alive in the night and plucking out my eyeballs to use as décor on his House of 1,000 Corpses themed gingerbread house. Anyway, I prefer that my kid think of Santa like the blazing eye of Sauron. Surveying everything from high atop a tower in the bowels of Mordor. He knows when you are sleeping.

He's too busy watching you change to see where the ring is.

He’s too busy watching you change to see where the ring is.

2) Gasp, processed foods. Is that so bad? Short answer, yes. You know, she gets her veggies and her protein and so on and so forth but she also gets her boxed macaroni and cheese and frozen chicken nuggets and all that offensively delicious stuff. Yes, I feed her Rice-a-Roni and yes, I still read the directions on the back of the box while preparing it. BUT I use an old-timey wooden spoon to stir it, just like the one grandma used to beat my dad’s ass. It’s the little things that make me feel metaphysically connected to my heritage.

3) I’m not crafty. Not in the least bit. A world full of Pinterest and Martha Stewart and JoAnn Fabrics feels increasingly like a deceptively shallow lime pit to me. For example, my kid recently had to decorate her own construction paper gingerbread man as “homework” for preschool. Sounds like fun! I haphazardly gathered some crafty bits from the store, like glitter and buttons and whatnot. I pretty much let her take the lead on this project, but I did lend a hand here and there to make sure she didn’t glue her forehead to the table. The outcome? A ghastly combo of Frankenstein’s monster and Wesley Snipes’ character in Too Wong Foo. And then Eli Roth puked on it. The most terrifying Christmas abomination since that extremely uncomfortable Bowie and Bing duet. And I’m pretty sure her teachers burned and buried the thing in some ritualistic Hoodoo ceremony. Go ahead and blame this on the three year old, but we all know deep down that mommy sucks.

4) I jam Bubble Guppies songs. I don’t just listen because I have to, if I could jam out to this crap in the car alone, I would. This doesn’t necessarily make me a shit mom in and of itself. Actually it makes me a pretty cool mom to my now 3 year old. It’s mostly a point of shame for me, and will be for her when I’m still making her watch the show at 12 years old. I needed to get that off my chest.

5) I’m eating the entire Advent calendar. Who does that? Seriously? I’m literally taking candy from a baby. AND I’m also rationalizing it by telling myself that an excess of chocolate isn’t good for her, especially after all the sodium and Yellow #5 she’s consumed this afternoon because I was too lazy to peel a fucking carrot. I guess I also want to teach her that life is full of disappointments. I’ve opened that tiny, metaphorical door thinking there was a delicious and rewarding metaphorical piece of chocolate in there, too. And do you know what I found instead? Unemployment. A UTI. A stoner boyfriend who’s convinced his band will hit it big. A useless college degree. The list goes on and on.

So, in conclusion, I’m just the worst. Or am I? Yes I am. Or am I?

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Jobby lobby

I’m at this weird stage in my life right now, and it’s almost as awful and confusing and self-esteem crushing as high school. Almost. What is this fun, new adventure, you ask? Well, you probably don’t ask but I don’t care. I am contemplating a return to the workforce. My kid is almost at that age when she won’t need me around as much. I know that because she told me she doesn’t need me around. So now what do I do? With a worthless liberal arts degree, crap for experience and virtually no skills, who will hire me? First of all, maybe I should learn how to sell myself better. Then, I should decide what I want to be when I grow up. The possibilities are endless!

I’ve always wanted to be a superhero. And I don’t think we have any in the tri-city area in which I live. That would fit nicely in my schedule, too, because I wouldn’t need to find sitters for my kid. I would walk the streets at night looking for people who need saving. But then again, there’s really no crime in this area and there’s no money in fighting bad guys. After a few days, I’d probably just start ripping people off. And I’d be crabby during the day because I’m not getting any sleep at night.

Joker be like, "Why so seriously unhireable?"

Joker be like, “Why so seriously unhireable?”

With my list of qualifications, maybe I can be somebody’s part-time dog. There are people out there who would love a pet, but just don’t have the time or resources to take on that full-time responsibility. I could show up in the morning and we can play some ball. This person can feed me and give me water and pet me (appropriately – I am a married part-time dog). When they need to get work done or whatever they could tell me to go lay down. That would be amazing. Plus, I have my own medical, so they wouldn’t have to worry about paying to get the car keys that I ate removed from my intestinal tract or something. This is a win-win. I’m pretty sold on this one. Then again, if I posted this on Craigslist I’d probably end up a lamp in some weirdo’s basement. (According to my psychic, this is my fate regardless.)

Is there such a thing as Professional Lego Assembler? Nevermind, I have zero spatial reasoning capabilities. I could be a Compliment-er For Hire. I give great compliments, and they’re generally sincere. If you feel shitty about yourself, you can hire me to follow you around and surprise you with generally sincere compliments throughout the day. The compliments would be specially tailored to the complimentee. “Those were some great ideas at the meeting, champ! You killed it!” or “The world needs more people like you” or “You have an ass that won’t quit.” I’d close out my shift with a neck and shoulder massage and a couple of Werther’s Originals. That’s enough to make anyone feel fucking great about themselves.

These are all great ideas, guys. Thanks for helping me work this out – I’m much more excited about the future now. You have an ass that won’t quit.