I’m at this weird stage in my life right now, and it’s almost as awful and confusing and self-esteem crushing as high school. Almost. What is this fun, new adventure, you ask? Well, you probably don’t ask but I don’t care. I am contemplating a return to the workforce. My kid is almost at that age when she won’t need me around as much. I know that because she told me she doesn’t need me around. So now what do I do? With a worthless liberal arts degree, crap for experience and virtually no skills, who will hire me? First of all, maybe I should learn how to sell myself better. Then, I should decide what I want to be when I grow up. The possibilities are endless!
I’ve always wanted to be a superhero. And I don’t think we have any in the tri-city area in which I live. That would fit nicely in my schedule, too, because I wouldn’t need to find sitters for my kid. I would walk the streets at night looking for people who need saving. But then again, there’s really no crime in this area and there’s no money in fighting bad guys. After a few days, I’d probably just start ripping people off. And I’d be crabby during the day because I’m not getting any sleep at night.
With my list of qualifications, maybe I can be somebody’s part-time dog. There are people out there who would love a pet, but just don’t have the time or resources to take on that full-time responsibility. I could show up in the morning and we can play some ball. This person can feed me and give me water and pet me (appropriately – I am a married part-time dog). When they need to get work done or whatever they could tell me to go lay down. That would be amazing. Plus, I have my own medical, so they wouldn’t have to worry about paying to get the car keys that I ate removed from my intestinal tract or something. This is a win-win. I’m pretty sold on this one. Then again, if I posted this on Craigslist I’d probably end up a lamp in some weirdo’s basement. (According to my psychic, this is my fate regardless.)
Is there such a thing as Professional Lego Assembler? Nevermind, I have zero spatial reasoning capabilities. I could be a Compliment-er For Hire. I give great compliments, and they’re generally sincere. If you feel shitty about yourself, you can hire me to follow you around and surprise you with generally sincere compliments throughout the day. The compliments would be specially tailored to the complimentee. “Those were some great ideas at the meeting, champ! You killed it!” or “The world needs more people like you” or “You have an ass that won’t quit.” I’d close out my shift with a neck and shoulder massage and a couple of Werther’s Originals. That’s enough to make anyone feel fucking great about themselves.
These are all great ideas, guys. Thanks for helping me work this out – I’m much more excited about the future now. You have an ass that won’t quit.