It’s a super sparkly new year, everybody

2013. Was a year. Boy, was it a year. Here’s my year-end recap: I did some stuff, I saw some stuff, I felt some stuff. I. Accomplished. Nothing. Nothing but maintaining homeostasis. And that’s nothing to be proud of, because so did that hobo who lives nearby and drinks himself fucking stupid every day. Ergo, I resolved to be a more productive member of society in 2014. It’s a new year and anything is possible, right? But I’m a smart person, despite my liberal arts degree. I know that one can’t just make a resolution that ambiguous and accomplish it with no plan, no parameters. So here are just some of the ways in which I will become a more useful citizen this year. It’s a work in progress, so feel free to give me some feedback.

Starting my own business. I figured a productive citizen of the United States would take advantage of the Free Market Economy and start his or her own business. So I was thinking, what are some things that are popular today? Well obviously pampering oneself and kitty cats. Therefore, the next logical step was opening a kitty cat massage parlor! Still working on names, but I’m thinking about Kitty Cat Moments or Get Your Paws on Me. It would work both ways, see. In one wing, patrons can bring in their stressed out cats for a personalized, therapeutic massage complete with happy ending (read: catnip). BUT in the other wing, stressed out people will receive massages from a herd of [trained] felines. Tiny paws all over the place! How relaxing and ethereal and wonderful, right? And the happy ending is imminent because you just got a fucking massage from a group of adorable cats! Anyone seen leaving Get Your Paws on Me with a frown on his or her face is in all likelihood a sociopath.

Business cat will be in charge of marketing

Business cat will be in charge of marketing

Drinking less. No, just kidding.

Volunteer. I’m sure there is some sort of big brothers, big sisters deal around here. I could totally be a big sister. I’d be the really cool big sister who drinks and smokes and sneaks out of the house. I’d also be really jaded and beyond my years and all that. I’d tell these kids how it is, “You know how people say you can be anything you want if you put your mind to it? That’s bullshit. With your IQ, looks and personality, you can be almost anything you want to be in the hospitality industry, or maybe in a factory or something.” Embroider that on a pillow.

Opening a gym. So I know this is kind of similar to the starting my own business bullet point, but hear me out. Physical fitness is very important; especially in the first few weeks of January when people are delusional enough to believe this is the year they will finally get in shape. So for all of those folks, I will open a gym. In my own home. There are plenty of things to do around my house that will [eventually] melt away the evil Christmas cookie weight. Scrubbing my dog’s pee out of the rug on one’s hands and knees is a great core workout. So is crying in terrible pain when you roll your ankle on the choo-choo trains my daughter has inevitably left laying all over the floor. And you can clean out my oven. I’m sure that will burn some calories. Everybody wins here.

And, when all else fails: Faking my own death.

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