So the other day I was somewhere doing something, believe it or not, and I overheard one dude going into excruciating detail to another dude about his recent china pattern selection escapades at Bed, Bath & Beyond. I was enjoying the conversation, and about to interject with a doozy of my own, when dude #2 said, “Dude, hand over your man card.” And it got me thinking. Now this is nothing new to me; I’ve heard this expression a bunch of times in the past. And I’m assuming it’s just an expression, like guys don’t really have these cards, right? Or is it the kind of thing they receive automatically and in secret on their 18th birthday, or 13th if they’re Jewish? Do they get these cards laminated? If a man loses his card, can he ever win it back?
I would think it would be a pretty big to-do to win a man card back. Maybe there would be some kind of quest, similar to a Native American’s coming of age ritual, where one is sent all alone into the unforgiving wilderness with no food or supplies and only his wits to protect him. If he survives for an entire week, then and only then will his card be returned, with a hole punched in it or something. Of course he’d have to go before the panel, in which everyone is dressed like Darth Sidious and drinks Coca-Cola products out of red cups stamped with the Coca-Cola logo on them. I’m 99% sure that John Cafferty of John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band is the high minister of said panel. If John Cafferty says you cannot have your man card back, then you must go through the rest of your life man card-less. Or base jump into the mouth of an angry volcano. Covered in fire ants.
And if men get these man cards and all the hoopla that goes with them, what about us women? What the hell do we get? I have never received a woman card. Unless I am to consider my Sephora rewards card my woman card and in that case you’d have to pry it from my cold, dead fingers if you want me to surrender it. Then again, nobody’s ever asked me to give up my woman card.
If a spirited retelling of a trip to a big box home goods and kitchen essentials store is reason enough for man card revocation, what would it take for me to lose my woman card? I’m pretty sure my piss poor fashion sense and fingernails that look like a fucking 60 year old Canadian lumberjack’s would render me cardless in a jiff. And the fact that Wayne’s World is one of my favorite movies isn’t helping my cause. BUT I love to gossip and the volume of my voice increases in direct relation to my intoxication level, especially when I’m out with a group of girls. So get your filthy paws off my Sephora rewards card.