Elf in a pine overcoat

The holidays are a hectic time for everyone. So much binge eating and drinking and shopping to do, preparing the house for guests, sobbing violently into your eggnog and screaming in closets for hours on end. A magical season, indeed. With all of these things to check off our to-do lists, why would anyone want to add even more? Not me, that’s for damn sure. And this is why Elf on a Shelf is forever banned from my household. All that being creative, finding shenanigans for the elf to get into, just to have a pair of tiny eyes watching me all day? No, thank you, sir.

In my opinion, instead of adding more crap to my list of things to do this time of the year, I’d rather put something on my shelf that could be of some use to me. Here are some of those ideas:

P.I. on a shelf: follows your no-good husband around and documents how many hoes he tried to bone throughout the day.

Samurai on a shelf: quickly and silently dispatches intruders.

Itamae on a shelf: for when your samurai gets hungry.

Migrant worker on a shelf: especially handy if you have a farm to which you tend or even if you just need help painting the exterior of your home.

Acquaintance with no filter on a shelf: for those times when you really want to know how your new haircut looks or if you should return those leather pants.

Dirty hippie on a shelf: happily dispenses small amounts of decent quality marijuana and will also spontaneously go into uncomfortable detail about your aura.

Rick Astley on a shelf:  will serenade you with one of his many [sic] hits. And because he really needs a place to stay for a couple weeks. A month at most, he promises.

Person with way too many uplifting quotes on Pinterest on a shelf: Handy if you need an uplifting quote to get you through a rough day, or if you need to aggressively berate the customer service clerk at Target.

Little person on a shelf: because that’s way more politically correct.

Overnight fitness guru on a shelf: they can show you how to use tires and pots and pans and even bigger tires to get physically fit all in the comfort of a cold, abandoned warehouse. Only a 47% chance of getting horrifically maimed or injured.

Frequent LAN party-goer on a shelf: so you feel better about yourself. Instantly.

Down on his luck neighbor on a shelf: in case you feel compelled to give a little back at this time of the year. Give him a few things to do around your house and then pay for his Christmas goose.

And last but not least, my personal favorite, giant, novelty-size bottle of Irish whiskey on a shelf.