These are all the secrets

Boy have I been unproductive lately. I’d like to say it’s because I’ve been busying myself with a buttload of unimportant and superfun things out of doors, which people are wont to do this time of year. And that is a big part of it. No, really. But I also have this tiny voice inside my head that tells me that I shouldn’t even try to do anything of importance because I will fail. It tells me I have nothing to offer anymore and that I’m out of material. That voice makes me sad inside. That voice is actually not so much in my head as it is from all my friends and family collectively.

But I refuse to go out like a chump, Mom! You can’t hold me down forever! So in retaliation I’ve been reading many-a self-help book to unlock the secrets of successful, motivated people. Some of it is crap, like always showing up on time and not wearing clothes that expose your belly button. But some of it is pure gold. I thought I’d share these tips and tricks with you, my best friends in the whole wide world. Let us rise up and taste the sweet nectar of triumph! Here goes:

Make one major change in your life right now. Like Splenda instead of Equal, or take the long way to work or start smoking. Start engaging in conversations with animals. You’ll be glad you did these things.

Do push-ups every morning. Christian Bale did that in American Psycho and look how successful he was in that movie.

Find a pair of pretend glasses. Horn-rimmed or the like. And wear them – but only when you’re trying to be taken seriously by yourself or others. People will really think you’ve got everything figured out. Contrarily the glasses can also aid you in becoming “goofy guy with glasses” or “sarcastically funny guy with glasses” or “asshole with glasses”. Carry a sketchbook.

What's in Mad Scientist Cat's bubbling potion of success? Tuna.

What’s in Mad Scientist Cat’s bubbling potion of success? Tuna.

Use the digital voice recorder feature on your smartphone often. Whenever a brilliant idea or snippet from your next novella pops in your head, you’ll want it at the ready. Especially in mid-conversation with people. Maximum impact.

Become proficient in Microsoft Word.

Switch to a raw, vegan, paleo, caveman diet. Only allow yourself to eat things you have grown in your urban garden OR things you have killed with your own hands. Since you won’t be wasting so much time eating, you’ll have more time to spend accomplishing important things. And you’ll be super angry, which I find helps to fuel the creative process.

Vacuum your garage on the regular and make a spectacle out of it. Your neighbors will see you doing that and wonder how clean the inside of your house must be. Then they will start to feel badly about themselves. One of the most important ingredients in the recipe of success is making others question all the decisions they’ve made in their own lives.

And finally, when you’re at a shitty bar late at night drinking shitty beer wearing a Gap button-down shirt and a Fantastic Sam’s haircut, and your friend asks, “What should we cheers to?” your answer should always undoubtedly be, “Success.” Clink! Tee-hee!

How to be a great dinner guest

I’ll let you in on a little secret about me. I figure we’ve gotten to know each other pretty well by now. And by gotten to know each other I mean you’ve read the ridiculous crap I post and I know absolutely dick about you. Anywho, the secret is that I cannot do anything at all completely on my own. I need a manual for nearly everything I attempt. A damn manual. How to Win Friends and Influence People, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, How to NOT Eat the Entire Freaking Box of Krispy Kremes, etc. Give me step-by-step directions and maybe an Adderall and I’m off! And I’m in luck here because there is a how-to ever so diligently written about anything and everything you may want to do in your life. Whether in paperback form, an e-book or just a wikihow entry, you’re covered. And for some oddball reason you cannot find the help you are looking for, just ask your crazy neighbor who vacuums her garage at midnight.

Speaking of not being able to find what you are looking for, I’ve lately realized there are not many solid articles on how to be a good dinner guest. I mean, there’s all sorts of crap about throwing the best parties, but when it comes to how to successfully attend these parties for maximum awesome impact, the well is kind of dry. So, ever motivated to serve the public, I decided to carefully put together a little something. I’m sure I missed some stuff, so feel free to fill in the blanks. You know I love to hear from you.

First things first: don’t come empty handed. Showing up without a small token of appreciation screams ignorance and thoughtlessness. But whatever do I bring, you ask? A small animal like a pet or something: kitten, hamster, African Grey, doesn’t matter – people love animals. They love the companionship. Obviously they’re lonely – they invited YOU over for Chrissakes. Or how about a collage of Styrofoam peanuts and used needles you found on the beach that day? A gift like that says, “I recycle. I care.”

Flerpty flerpty shmerpty floo

Flerpty flerpty shmerpty floo

Make sure not to inform anyone of your dietary restrictions until the meal is served. You don’t want to put anyone out. Plus everyone will feel badly for you when you can’t eat anything because you are a gluten free vegan. Pity is awesome.

If you can eat the meal for some reason, be sure to give the host/ess some tips on how to improve the dish for next time. Maybe a little more salt? Maybe a little more thought? Dinner party hosts are constantly looking to up their game, and how can they do that with no criticism? That’s how we grow. Spitting the food out into a napkin helps to prove your point. You know they can do better.

Come up with a short routine to perform during downtime: choreograph a soft shoe or improvise a dramatic skit. While the hosts are busy preparing the meal, you will come to the rescue and entertain all the bored as hell guests. Then make sure you talk a lot about all your travels. While smoking indoors. Do you play guitar? Play guitar incessantly.

Don’t bother saying please or thank you. These people are serving you. Serving YOU. Would you say please or thank you to a waitress? I didn’t think so. Save your manners for someone who deserves it, like your surgeon or your alderman.

I hope this little tidbit sheds some light on this very important topic. And just in time for barbeque season! I am topical, after all *pats self on back*.